Fundamental Two is "Spend More Time Socializing." It suggests that the more time you spend in social activity and interaction, the happier you will be.

Past research in happiness has come to a pronounced conclusion regarding the critical role that social relationships play in human happiness. Of all the factors related to personal happiness, social activity is the most significant contributor of all -- and, the happiest people live a highly active and satisfying social life ( 7, 21, 38, 39, 72, 78, 79, 80, 104, 108, 113, 117, 130, 132, 133, 135, 140, 143, 147, 200, 230, 235, 241, 255, 259, 261, 262, 310, 317, 338).

There is little question that the need for human contact is fundamental to our survival. Human infants require the longest period of parental care and nurturing of any species. The time it takes to grow from birth to physiological adulthood is also the longest required of any species. Starting with Harlow's classic study which found that infant monkeys preferred a warm, terrycloth mother-substitute to a wire-mesh substitute which offered milk (Harlow), study after study has demonstrated how critical warm, loving contact is in the mental and emotional development of human children, and how necessary it is to maintain both physical and mental health throughout the adult life-cycle.

On the negative side of the scale, there is voluminous research which shows how destructive the lack of social contact can be. Studies in criminal personality, learning disability, marital dysfunction, emotional illness, substance abuse, and so many other areas of human suffering find their roots in childhood where close human contact was largely absent. Research on the effects of social isolation, solitary prison confinement, or various other situations where human contact is abruptly cut, has also shown how quickly such conditions can draw an individual to the brink of severe psychosis.

Yet it is in our emotional life where the loss of human contact shows itself most clearly. The bulk of normal depressions, as well as major clinical ones, occur with the loss of a close human bond. The death of a child, a family member, or a spouse -- a divorce or separation -- are among the most devastating of psychological traumas. Furthermore, many clinicians believe that human anxiety disorders are based on unconscious fears regarding the loss or abandonment of human contact.

Being with others satisfies deep-seated human needs and instincts. Being with others gives us a sense of completeness -- something we both biologically and psychologically lack independent of the group. Being with others provides a sense of stability. Others help us anchor ourselves. Through others, we can balance our perceptions of the world and find perspective. Being with others helps pull us out of our own mental world; it keep our own concerns and problems in proper balance; it keeps us from exaggerating our own worries; it keeps us "down to earth." But mostly, being with others tends to soften and reduce the painful loneliness that is at the existential core of every human life.

In essence, we live for social contact -- and we can't live without it.

Social contact is so basic a part of the human scheme, no wonder it plays such an important part in happiness. If the research is correct, the net effect of most social interaction is totally positive. Indeed, studies suggest that casual socializing, for most people, is rated as almost 95% positive (21, 147). The rates reported in family or spousal interactions are often lower, particularly in discordant couples or families, but socializing in extra- familial situations consistently receives high marks. It appears that one has nothing to lose in most social situations, and everything to gain. There is certainly no doubt, in the data, that as social interaction levels rise, so also is there a rise in personal happiness levels.

Strong human bonds and social interaction are fundamental to the human condition. Happiness, as we have seen, is the emotional reward for success in meeting the challenges of our human condition. No wonder, then, that success in the social realm is so essential to happiness.

THE SOCIAL LIFE OF HAPPY PEOPLE

Research over the years, finds that happy people have remarkably high levels of social activity. Compared to average, and especially unhappy people, they spend many more hours interacting with others.

Socializing is a general word and has many connotations. You might think of "socializing" as a large party, or simply just talking with a good friend. It might conjure pictures of chatting with co-workers, spending time with the family, going out with the crowd, attending a club meeting, or attending a big social event. Actually, all these impressions are correct. "Socializing," as we mean it in the research, includes practically any form of human interaction, from a friendly phone call to a gala ball. The most interesting thing regarding happy people, is how widely varied their social life tends to be...

Sociologists roughly divide social activity into two categories: "informal" (casual, everyday contact with friends, family, and coworkers) and "formal" (community and organizational participation). The social life of happy people shows high levels of socializing in both these categories.

On an informal level, happy people seem to spend a great deal of time interacting with their friends and family. They enjoy a rich home life and a wide circle of close friends. At work, too, they appear to socialize a great deal -- generally enjoying close associations with co- workers. Close, conversational time with their mate; fun activities with the family; get-togethers with the neighbors; visits to friends -- all these are highly typical of the happiest people's weekly routine.

On a formal level, however, is where the happiest people seem to go beyond the norm. Typically, happy people are "joiners." They tend to participate in all kinds of groups, clubs, and organizations. Happy people revel in formal socializing -- the parties, the meetings, the conventions, etc.. If there's a group of people congregating, you can bet that in the center of the group, there's bound to be a happy person.

Yes, the picture of the happy person is a highly social one. It is the picture of a person who really likes people. It may be a portrait of someone who spends most of their time with their spouse and family. It also may be the person who spends all their time with their friends. It may be the kind of person that's the center of civic activity. But in every case, the happy person loves to spend most of his or her time interacting with others. Happy people are "people people."

The picture of the unhappy person is just the opposite. The unhappy person is often the isolated, lonely individual, who spends little time socializing. Most unhappy people have minimal social contact. They tend to have few friends; they are often cut off from family ties; and they live lives with little social interaction. In some cases, the unhappy person is shy and socially uncomfortable; unable to find much acceptance or friendship in the social world. In other cases, it is a picture of a person who lives in a situation where their close contacts are rejecting, punitive, or uncaring. In any event, and for whatever cause, the unhappy are essentially alone in their world.

When it comes to social contact, it is not just a difference in degree that separates the happy from the unhappy, it is a complete difference in basic life-style. According to the classic happiness studies of psychologists Wessman and Ricks (132):

Happy people are typified by strong, long-term engagement with the world, needing only occasional periods of disengagement from it; while unhappy people tend to move, only rarely, from long term disengagement with the world into brief moments of temporary, cautious, and uncertain sociability.

These descriptions provide the extremes between the most happy and the most unhappy of normal people. Between these extremes lie the various shades of social contact typical for the vast majority of the rest of us, who fall somewhere in-between.

THE TARGET THEORY

It is clear from the research that happy people live a much more social life than do average, and especially than do unhappy, people. It is also clear that socializing is the most limpactfull source of happiness for most everyone.

But the research has gone even farther. It is evident from the data presented in Volume I, that certain forms of socializing have a far greater impact on happiness than others. In effect, their appears to be a rather hierarchical impact, depending on how close the social contact is to ones "center."

Imagine it as a target: with your closest relationships right at the very center (the "bulls-eye"), and concentric circles expanding, one by one, to the edge of the target.

Each of the circles represents a certain level of social contact. The closer the circle is to the center (your "heart"), the more emotional and psychological effect it will have on your happiness.

On the periphery of the target you have things like clubs and organizations or informal contact with acquaintances and people you see from time to time. The next circle in might represent the people you deal with daily at work or other situations. In the next closest circle would be your occasional friends and work-associates you like a good deal. Then, as you get to the closer rings of the target, would stand the family members you deal with regularly. Closer still, would be your loved ones and dearest friends. And finally, right next to your "heart" would be that special close loved one (your spouse or mate).

As you envision the various social relationships in your life somewhere on such a target, the point is clear: the closer a social relationship is to your "heart," the more effect it has on your happiness. Peripheral relationships have some effect; close relationships have a major effect.

As we extensively documented in Volume I, the closest relationships in life have the greatest impact on one's happiness (marital relationships, especially). The more intimate and involved the relationship is to you, the more happiness it can potential to generate. Yet, be this as it may, all forms of socializing can contribute to happiness. Some forms just may not have as strong an impact as others.

The point is: there are many social avenues to add to your potential happiness! Some avenues may have greater happiness payoffs, certainly; but all can contribute. Some, like a good marriage, payoff handsomely. Others, like joining a business club, payoff only a little bit. But they all add up! As any good investment counselor will tell you, "diversification" is the key. The more "circles" on the target you invest your time in, the more productive your social investments will be. Unlike archery, in the happiness game it's best to have your arrows spread all around the target.

The "Target Theory" is the basis of several Fundamentals we will be discussing in the course of this Volume, because the social aspects of happiness are so central to the program we have created. When we reach Fundamental Ten, "Develop an Outgoing, Social Personality," we'll explore the ways in which your might overcome your shyness and begin shooting those social arrows more comfortably and accurately. In our chapter on "Close Relationships are #1" (Fundamental Twelve), we'll look at the very center of the "target" and discuss some ways to find and/or enhance the most intimate relationships in life. But for the present, this Fundamental, "Spend More Time Socializing," will begin our work more on the outer rings of the "target."

GETTING ON TARGET

For most of you, Fundamental Two should be easy enough to realize.

Recognizing how important an active social life can be to your happiness, it should be a simple matter to add a bit more social activity to your weekly routine and see if it makes a happiness difference, overall. If the happiness experiments I conducted are valid, an increase in social activity ought to make a noticeable difference!

But where does one begin, if one is not already living an active social life?

One of the basic tenets of the "Target Theory," is that it is extremely rare to hit the "bulls-eye" every time one picks up the bow. Yet, that's exactly what most of us try to do...

Most of us stand up to the line, shoot our first few arrow and hope it land us right in the "bulls-eye" for a wonderful love relationship (or at least hit in the ring nearby, which will bring us a few warm and lasting friendships).

In actuality, however, the "target" presents more of a strategy than a hit-or-miss solution. Like all beginning archers, it is best to simply hit the target anywhere, than to initially go for the center. It's best to shoot for even the edge of the target to begin with, and later hone our sights to the center.

Likewise, it is in our social life. Instead of concentrating our efforts on finding love and good friends, perhaps we should begin with anywhere we can hit! Our analysis suggests that the best place to begin is in the peripheral "circles" -- that is usually the place where most of us make the contacts which eventually lead to the closer friendships and love-life we seek.

How can one employ this strategy?

To begin with, join a group. One of the easiest ways to become more social is to join some sort of a formal club or social organization. There are thousands of them out there: church groups, civic associations, charity organizations, sports clubs, social fraternities, etc.. The list of organizations in any most communities is staggering -- there are hobby clubs, professional associations, service societies, political committees, etc.. The possibilities are endless. Thus, no matter where your interests lie, there's bound to be a group out there that shares those interests. And the nicest thing about most formal groups is how easily include newcomers. Most groups are generally eager to welcome new members, especially one who is willing to contribute time and effort to their goals or activities. For the shy, more introverted, person, joining a group may be the easiest first step toward a more active social life there is.

A similar approach: do what you think is fun! As we mentioned in the last chapter, one of the best ways to make new friends and widen your social contacts is to do the things you enjoy doing. The obvious advantage here is that the people you meet in such situations already share a favorite interest with you. There's no need to sit at home alone. If you like to bowl, call your local lanes about joining their bowling league. If you like golf, join a country club. If you like to travel, call your agent about a group tour. If you want to exercise, do it at the gym rather than at home. If you like to watch sports on T.V., watch the "big game" at your local sports lounge.

Another way: improve yourself! Take a course at the college, attend some educational lectures, enroll in a dancing class, learn to paint, take a public speaking course or a financial seminar. The beauty here is that you "kill two birds with one stone": on the one hand, you're developing yourself into a more attractive and interesting person, and on the other, you're placing yourself in the kinds of situations where you're more likely to meet other attractive and interesting people!

A further possibly: do something worthwhile! Volunteer your time to charity or civic organizations. In every community there are scores of formal and informal organizations begging for well-meaning individuals to volunteer their help to make a difference. There are religious charities. There are organizations concerned with major health problems. There are groups who are working on environmental issues. There are people who volunteer their time to work with the young, the homeless, the physically or emotionally disabled, the elderly, or the impoverished. There is so much needed work to be done, no matter where you might live. And herein lies a golden opportunity for the person who'd like to live a more active social life: here, not only can you do something meaningful with your time, but you can also augment your social time with others who truly appreciate it. (We'll have a lot more to say on this topic in the next chapter.)

Additionally: stop passing-up invitations. In the course of an ordinary month, the average person is invited to numerous social functions. The problem is, most of us usually pass-up these obvious chances to increase our social horizons...

An acquaintance asks if you want to join some of her friends for a cook-out this weekend, but you politely bow out. The Company is involved in a charity walk-a-thon, but you say you have other obligations. Someone suggests that you get together for lunch soon, but you avoid setting a specific date. They're holding a "going-away party" for a secretary on the fifth floor, but since you hardly know anybody up there, you don't go. The Art Society is having a fund-raising dinner, yet as much as you admire the work they've done for the community, you pass up the invitation because you think you'll be a stranger there. The neighbors are holding a little party and they'd like you to meet some of their friends, but you pretend you have a previously engagement. A wedding invitation comes from a couple you vaguely know, and you gracefully bow-out.

Every week in every city, there are a host of community and charity events happening. On every office and church bulletin-board there are a host of opportunities for social contact. Every so often, a mailed invitation or memo may come your way. And (I trust), that every so often you are invited by someone you barely know to get together with some people you don't know at all.

Now, in your defense: it's always a bit uncomfortable to attend a social function where you hardly know anyone. But if you're not having much of a social life, you can't blame the fact that you're never invited!

It's up to you to start accepting these personal (and even impersonal) invitations. The world is full of social opportunities to pursue. And even if the "invitation" is a public one, or one proffered by a bare acquaintance, you may be surprised at how welcomed you will be if you accept!

It's not always true, but usually when you are the stranger in a social situation, hosts tend to go out of their way to soothe your unease and facilitate social introductions. I've often found that I've been "wined and dined" better, talked with more interestedly, and had a better time at a party of strangers than with a group I've known for years. (Moreover, if you're exceptionally uncomfortable in "new" social situations, there's no law that says you can't enlist a more social friend to accompany you in such foreign territory!)

Finally: do the inviting yourself! There's no reason you can't initiate social activity yourself. Invite a group of your coworkers out to lunch. Tell a few of your friends that you're going to a local sports event or concert and ask them if they'd like to join you. Hold a party yourself, volunteer to organize the annual office picnic -- or get a neighborhood bowling team together. Why bother to wait around for social activity to come your way, when you can be the hub of social activity yourself!

In sum, to live a more rewarding and active social life, one needs to start at the outside of the "target" first. If your social life is pretty stale right now, you need to be where the people are! Nothing will happen if you sit around by yourself. Join a club, do more fun things, take a course, do community work, accept invitations, and do some inviting yourself -- that's the only way things will really change.

THE "ACT FIRST" PRINCIPLE

When it comes to living a more active social life, one of the most important principles of personality change needs mentioning here. I call it the "Act First Principle."

The "Act First Principle" is fundamental to most methods of psychotherapy, particularly behavior modification therapy. It is a principle so basic to personality change that it underlies virtually all of the Fourteen Fundamentals, so we'll be referring to it many times in this book.

Simply put, the "Act First Principle" states: if you've got something about your personality that you want to change, the only way you can change is to act the way you'd like to be way first.

True personality change involves two elements: actions and feelings. The sociable person, for example, acts sociably because he or she feels sociable. There is a natural and congruent connection between feelings and actions. But if you neither feel sociable nor are able to act sociably, which of the two elements do you work on first? Most of us, mistakenly, choose to work on the feelings first...

Take the shy, socially insecure individual. Many such people believe that if they sit around long enough, trying to convince themselves that they just aren't going to feel shy anymore, they'll one morning wake up with their shyness completely gone. Night after night, they sit alone trying to "think" themselves out of their shyness. Often they'll read books on the topic, listen to subliminal tapes, or repeat various self-affirmations -- and although such techniques may help a little, the day never comes when they finally feel so confident and self-assured that they're ready to run out the door and comfortably join the busy social whirl.

It would be wonderful if we could just change our feelings. Then, our desired behavior would just naturally follow...

"If I could feel like a self-confident person, I could go to any social event."

"If I felt like I was a great speaker, I could talk to any audience."

"If I could feel like a successful millionaire, I'd make a fortune overnight."

"If only I felt like I didn't want a drink, I'd stop."

Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.

Feelings are hard to change. Actions are a little bit easier. You can sit around forever waiting for your feeling to change (with the hope that then you can start acting); or you can start acting the way you'd like to be, and let your feelings catch up.

Say, for example, you're a stingy, selfish kind of a person, but you've decided you want to become truly generous. You could spend the next few months trying to convince yourself, psychologically, that you're feeling differently. You could look yourself in the mirror a dozen times a day and say, "Boy, am I a generous person." It might work. One day, after many months, you might actually start feeling generously and mail-in a check to a local charity, give your secretary a raise, and finally let your brother-in-law use your mountain cabin for a weekend.

But the "Act First Principle" suggests a different strategy: start acting like a generous person from the start. Do the neighbors a favor. Contribute to a local charity. Send a little unexpected money to your elderly aunt. Buy the kids an unexpected present. Give some of your nicest things to Goodwill. Send some food to the Salvation Army.

Do what a generous person would do!

Now recognize at first that you're just going through the motions. Even though you're acting more generously, on the inside you're still feeling like you old stingy self. Indeed, at times it may be somewhat painful for you; here you are, slipping spare change in the "donation cup" while saying to yourself, "Bah! Humbug!" But after a time, something rather strange will begin to happen: you actually find yourself slowly feeling more generous. And the more you continue to act that way, the more generous you feel.

There is a strong, apparently unconscious, driving force within the human mind for consistency between our feelings and actions. Psychologists call the phenomenon "cognitive dissonance." Apparently the mind has a difficult time dealing with conflicts between the way we act and the way we feel. When one changes, the other must follow. A change in action, therefore, sets into motion a series of subtle psychological forces which eventually change our feelings to become consistent with those actions. Thus to change our personality, we have to "act first." If we can, our mind will gradually change our feelings to match.

Therefore, if we wish to feel like a self-confident person, we have to act like a self-confident person. If we wish to feel comfortable making public speeches, we have to make a lot of speeches first. If we don't want to feel like we need a drink, we need to give up drinking for quite a while. And maybe, the only real way to feel like a successful millionaire, is to make a fortune first.

Thus it is with Fundamental Two. To be more like happy people, who "Spend More Time Socializing," one has to act the way they do. Naturally, it will be uncomfortable in the beginning; that's the problem with the "Act First" strategy. If you try this approach, you'll be forcing yourself to venture forth into new social settings where you may know no one at all. Especially if you're not a particularly outgoing and self-assured person, it may be rough going, initially. Feelings take a while to catch-up to actions. It may be some time before you start feeling comfortable in the social settings you've entered. But trust that those feelings will eventually come. And when they do, you'll find yourself beginning to really enjoy a whole new social world.

In this chapter we've mentioned a number of ways you can begin to expand your social horizons. In our presentation of forthcoming Fundamentals, we'll cover a lot more; especially when we discuss Fundamental Twelve, "Develop an Outgoing, Social Personality." But the "Act First Principle," itself, cuts even deeper into our presentation of the Fourteen Fundamentals. We will see this principle lies at the foundation of each and every Fundamental for happiness. For, as we mentioned at the outset, the Fourteen Fundamentals are based a the simple proposition:

If you can be like happy people are, you can be happy too.

In terms of the "Act First Principle," we can refine this to say: if you can act like happy people naturally do, slowly, your feelings will begin to find consistency with the way you are acting, and, eventually, you will come to feel happy as a result.

THE STRONG "SOCIAL MESSAGE"

There is a strong "message" which appears time after time again in virtually every happiness research study ever conducted; and that "message" is that social interaction is the primary source of happiness. Because it is such an important "message," we will find it to be a major thread which weaves throughout this book on the Fourteen Fundamentals.

"Social interaction," as a term, covers virtually all forms of social contact. It includes family relations, marriage, friendships, work associations, parties, social events, acquaintanceships, organizational participation -- even casual conversations with strangers. Every one of these forms appears to add something to personal happiness. However, as we've discovered, the closer the social situation is to one's heart, the more impact it tends to have.

Happy people are highly social. In every form of "social interaction," they tend to excel. With their close loved ones, with their friends, with colleagues at work, in clubs and organizations -- happy people love to socialize. But more than enjoying it, happy people gain much of their overall happiness from it.

Fundamental Two, therefore, recommends that you could do a lot to improve your own happiness if you would "Spend More Time Socializing." Analyze your present life style, and see if there aren't more opportunities for a richer social life. Get more involved with your family, friends, groups, organizations, community service, and so forth. Enhance to social options you already have, and expand your social horizons beyond to new areas, to the degree you can.

Most especially, don't isolate yourself! Don't let the "blues" cut you off from others -- go where the people are -- maintain your social schedule. As we talked about in the last Chapter, withdrawal from an active, busy engagement with the world is one of the typical things most individuals do when the are in a depressed period of their lives. As part of this general withdrawal, most of us tend to withdraw socially as well.

Clinically speaking, social withdrawal is one of the obvious reactions to common, normal depression. Instead of "Spending More Time Socializing" depression tends to create the opposite reaction. Most people tend to stop attending social functions, curtail contact with their friends, isolate themselves from their family members, and attempt to cocoon themselves away from others. It's a quite natural reaction; certainly you don't feel up to socializing, and on the other hand, you probably aren't the most vivacious person to be around either. Nevertheless, isolating yourself just makes matters worse. As you cut yourself off from others, your thoughts become more bleak and exaggerated, you loose realistic perspective, problems become magnified to the point where no solution seems possible, negative emotions build with no outlet, insecurity grows, and a deeper feeling of apathy and hopelessness sets in. It's a vicious circle: we withdraw from people because we are feeling a bit depressed, but the more we withdraw, the more our depression deepens.

Thus, even though it's the last thing you feel like doing, maintaining a fairly active social life is one of the most important things one can do to combat minor depressions. Being with others, especially when we're feeling downcast, has a a way of bringing us down to earth, making our reality more secure, and keeping our perceptions of life in balance. Others can help us get our negative emotions of our chest and provide us comfort and emotional support at those times when we cannot find it within ourselves. Close friends, particularly, can, through their help and understanding, can share our burdens and help to dissipate them. Through others we can renew our spirits in a much shorter period of time than we ever can on our own.

Practicing therapists find that one of the first signs of recovery from depression is when a person makes some initial steps to end their self-imposed exile from others. They begin to visit friends once again, they force themselves to go to a party or two, they accept invitations and dates, they start attending group meetings again.

But, why wait? If you're a bit depressed these days, why wait until you eventually feel like socializing again? Instead, do as the "Act First Principle" suggests: start socializing now, even if your heart isn't completely in it. It might lead to a much quicker recovery of your more normal mood. Indeed, there is a good argument to the idea that if you had been "Spending More Time Socializing" in the first place, your depression might not have gotten so out of hand!

Thus as we saw with Fundamental One ("Be More Active"), this Fundamental, "Spend More Time Socializing," is not just a way for moderately happy people to become more happy, it has application throughout the normal emotional spectrum. For those in a depressed period of their lives, Fundamental Two is one of the best ways to beat the "blues" and avoid prolonged depressions. For those who are in the normal range of the happiness spectrum, Fundamental Two is one of the most basic ways to increase their happiness level. And for those who are already pretty happy, Fundamental Two serves as an important reminder of where their happiness has always come from: rewarding social relationships.

A active social life has always been seen in the research as a critical element in personal happiness. It is one of the strongest "messages" we've heard from our studies of happy people. Our research with the Fourteen Fundamentals indicates that if you can increase your social activity level, especially if you are not too social now, you can gain greater happiness from life. So "Spend More Time Socializing" and see what it does for you!