One of the biggest causes of unhappiness is our need to defend ourselves.  Our need to defend ourselves causes us to do and say things that we later regret.  And even if we don't end up regretting we end up harboring anger towards others - even strangers.  

I must admit that I myself have been the worst at this.  I have spent the first 30 years of my life constantly finding reasons to defend myself.  When I was little my Mother would call me her little attorney.  I could defend anything and anybody.  Sometimes its not a bad thing.  At least 1/2 the time I was defending people that weren't present to defend themselves.  And I think that having the ability to see from the other persons perspective is a good thing.  But I bet many of you are like me - only taking the time to see the other persons perspective when the situation has nothing to with you personally.  

To understand the benefit of defenselessness it is best to think back to times in which we defended ourselves.  Ask yourself these questions (thinking of a specific event):

• What specifically did you feel you needed to defend?
• How did you defend it (or how did you consider defending it)?
• What, in your eyes, did your defense give you? What was the payoff?

As I think back to the last few times I defended myself - I realize that there was no positive pay off.  In the moment I defended myself I felt like I had to.  I think it was a "getting the last word" kind of thing or just being able to get a word in.  But even immediately after getting my view across - I did not feel better.  I felt angry!  And now that sometime has past I don't feel anger towards the other person.  For me it's over.  But there still was no positive pay off.  Quite the opposite.  

Now imagine the situation never got defensive.  What would that look like?  This is often the hard part.  But to be better prepared to handle situations with out defensiveness in the future it helps to see how we could have handled the past ones.

As I think about it - I think I would have tried to express myself starting with "I feel".

But as I think about one person in general - A very angry person.  I realize that saying anything (even O.K or I'm sorry you feel that way) would just increase their anger.  I think in situations with angry people we need to protect ourselves not defend ourselves.  Cause often trying to communicate with an angry person or trying to defend ourselves often leads to them transferring some of their anger onto us.  

Emotions are powerful.  And I think our best action in situations with angry people is internal prayer.  To ask God first and foremost to protect us from their anger and to keep us at peace.  Then to ask God to help the angry person to find their own peace - but not at the expense of our peace.

Have you ever noticed that that is what an angry persons goal is - to get you to feel the anger to?  Then once your angry - don't they seem kinda of happy and less angry.